When life can surprise you again

I am not the kind of person who everybody wants to fuck with. I am not sexy as hell, and hot because of my body (yes I am but always there is some other guy hotter). But I am quite confident in a 1 to 1 conversation.

Last friday night, I was talking to one friend and we got more deep than usual, he talked about his interests in guys and I talked about my last guy, my life and that I am a little bit lost.

And then he gave me all the hints and the main key to happiness. Aitor, take care of yourself, you are the most important thing here, What you need when you are finished with your studies, is to travel far away and figure it out about everything. Experience new things, meet new people, opene my mind.

And try to find out the reason of my existence, my vocation. I thought chemistry was my vocation, but it is not. It is more a tool to grow up, and find my real vocation.

Well, I can say that after this conversation I opened a little bit more my eyes, I realized how important I am. I have friends who love me really, that I am kind of a light for some people. I can be inspiration, as other friends are for me.

I am so happy, that I lived something special this last 7 months, with all the people I met, I felt that I was a better me, because of them. It is not truth, I am better, because I can be the best. Just I was believing in others instead of believing in me.

It is not the end of this era, but I can say that I am not afraid of the next end and beginning.

Bisous

April 2016

Bonsoir,

Here I am, I am not dead, even i did not write in this blog for a while. I guess I was doing better things this last 8 months.

Well, as usual, I started writing in my blog again because I do not feel good. I do not feel good because I have just realized that the image of love that I have, it does not exist. I have tried to be more flexible, I have tried to expect less from people, but I guess I have been stupid being a idealistic.

It is not that I do not like who I am, funny, stuborn, lovely, talk too much sometimes, pesimist...
Those qualities are mine, and I think I would never change totally, but of course there is no black or white, sometimes we behave as grey.

This last time, I did what I have never  done, fell in love with someone who is not from my country, neither the country I am living and he was going to be here for 4 months. At the begining all was fun. I wanted to keep it like that.

But somehow, even if it was imposible to be a couple, I fell in love with this guy. With this, I became weak and I was always trying to control the situation. We had really good moments. And I will never forget that. Last week he put an end to the story, and I accepted, actually I wanted that also because I think we deserve both something much better.

But, even though it is the correct thing, it hurts. And now I go back in time, and I realize that again, I fell in the same behaviour. I fell crazily in love, where I became a scary guy who wanted to control the situation, take care of the guy and I would have left my career just to go with him to his home country.

Again I gave all my heart to someone who was not really prepare to be with me, because I think sometimes I am too much. My idea of love is so big that i get dissapointed with little stuff and behaviour I do not like. This last thing, has shown to me that I am not prepare for anyone, not yet, and maybe never, who knows.

I am so tired, and the pressure I put on me for loving and having someone has been so much that I lost myself again, and now I do not know where are my dreams, my thoughts, or my future. Do not get me wrong, the guy has been really good at the end, and I will always be glad for what we had.
I am talking about me,

And me, has given up with love for a long time.

Thanks bloggers,

Always yours, the lost boy